by Ray Catray

We’ve made incredible leaps of progress as cultured cats. Our ancestors never could have imagined today’s mesmerizing laser pointer technology. We are a proud, feral nation – a nation that values change and innovationoodles. Yet, we continue to allow the purrvasive problem of cat racism to tear us apart like the fabric on the edge of a couch. Though we’ve made progress, cat racism is still very much alive in both overt and subtle forms. In purrticular, prejudice against black cats continues to be the most destructive form of cat racism in the Mewnited States.

According to cat historians, negative stereotypes against black cats originated from “a long time ago” in “a place.” It was here that a small group of white cats had nothing to do, so they went ahead and invented racism. The following is, in its entirety, the historic conversation these white cats had:

White Cat 1: “You know who sucks? Gary sucks.”
White Cat 2: “Eh, I think Gary’s alright.”
White Cat 3: “Nah, Gary sucks.”
White Cat 2: “Yeah, I guess Gary does suck.”
White Cat 3: “Which one’s Gary, again?”
White Cat 1: “The black one.”
White Cat 3: “Which black one?”
White Cat 1: “I forgot.”
White Cat 3: “Let’s just make all the black ones Gary.”
White Cat 1: “Yeah, all the black ones are Gary now and they all suck.”
White Cat 2: “I hate Gary. Gary sucks so bad.”

Black Cat Sam: “Hey guys.”
White Cat 2: “Fuck off, Gary!”
Black Cat Sam: “I’m not Gary. I’m Sam.”
White Cat 3: “Shut the fuck up, Gary!”
White Cat 1: “Typical Gary bullshit!”
Black Cat Sam: “You guys suck.”

White Cat 1: “Which cats do we hate again? Black ones?”
White Cat 2: “Did you just say that black cats are witches?”
White Cat 1: “What? I forgot which one of us was speaking.”
White Cat 3: “We hate black cats. We hate them because they are witches.”
White Cat 1: “Oh yeah, I think I heard about that too.”
White Cat 2: “Black cats are witches and they suck.”

Negative stereotypes of black cats spread throughout the cat community. Variations of black cat stereotypes emerged as cats kept forgetting what they were just saying a while ago. Black cats became symbols of bad luck, dark magic, and sucking.

A new color-coded cat segregation swippity-swept throughout the Mewnited States. Black cat communities experienced a rate of death much higher than the national catverage. Many white cats adopted the racist belief that this death rate was due to black cats doing too much crime, being bad, and sucking a bunch. Meowever, according to a recent study published in the Mew England Journal of Meowmeow, “the high death rate of black cats is most likely a result of their increased risk of being mistaken for speed bumps.”

Still, we are reminded that the threads of cat racism can be unraveled. It was Rosa Parklemittens who historically said, “Fuck it, I’m just gonna go ahead and sit here.” These words, and the nap that followed, inspired other black cats to sit in places that were less far away. A group of cats known as the Black Panthers boldly declared, “We’re sort of like panthers!” Not to be outdone, the black cats of the IWW achieved the right to a 0-hour work day and ended kitten labor, along with any other kind of labor.

IWW Cat (Eric Drooker)
art by Eric Drooker

Many overt forms of cat racism have dwindled somewhat over the years, as today more and more cats are likely to forget what they’re doing and what color they are.

Some cultures even believe that black cats bring good luck and prosperity! Sadly, these are all from countries that nobody cares about.

In the Mewnited States, subtle forms of cat racism still purrmeate the culture.

White cats continue to control a disproportionate amount of wealth and positive media presence.

Hurtful black cat stereotypes are still often seen today.

The stereotype of black cats being more likely to do crimey things still purrsists, even though research shows that white cats and black cats spend equal amounts of time doing the same things.

Cat Graph
Mew England Journal of Meowmeow

Many cats insist that truly ending cat racism is impossible…

But as a survivor of Jurassic Park: The Ride, I know that miracles do happen. I was part of a tour raft that was supposed to take the river path in which the dinosaurs do not attack you. Then something went wrong. Suddenly, our tour raft veered off course…right into the river path in which the dinosaurs do attack you! Raptors swiped at us and many of us got wet. When I saw the Tyrannosaurus, I abandoned all hope…

But in this moment, Cat Jesus showed his mercy.

Right when we were about to be eaten, our tour raft dropped 35 feet down a hatch, then settled next to the gift shop. Against all odds, only half of us died that day.

Nothing is impossible.

Do you still think that ending cat racism is impossible? Noooooooo. I just said that nothing is impossible. So stand up. Take action. Get up off your seat and join me in the streets. We have a lot of cat racists to murder.